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How To Be A Christian Without Being A Jerk
Faith in real life
Category Archives: commentary
“Blackberry Bush Course: God the Father”
A Blackberry bush is a great metaphor for the entanglements of our lives. It's growth is rapid and eventually it seems out of control. If you are in the middle of it, no one comes out unscathed. On the Blackberry Bush Course, we discover a new way to live life. We search together to discover how God can set us free.
All are invited to experience this freedom!
When: Thursday Nights, beginning October 6th
6-8 p.m. Dinner included.
Where: The Hanson's (Dana and Nancy)
October 6
Session One: Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?
October 13
Session Two: Why is It So Hard to Get Good at Praying?
(This course is developed by Dave Housholder, author, pastor, and radio personality on "The Bottom Line with Roger Marsh & Dave Householder," Monday-Friday 3-5 p.m. on KBRT AM740. Have a listen!)
A Memorable Birthday
Greg and David just celebrated their 20th birthday yesterday. We started Saturday night at Cheesecake Factory, and then back home for cake. Every year, more candles (thank you, Captain Obvious), and with twins, 20 makes 40 (thank you, Captain Arithmetic).
Sunday, the official day, the boys wake up and we exchange hugs and happy birthdays. Then we recall the morning of their 18th birthday. Memorable for two reasons…
The first thing we remember is that I wake up before everyone else, and go to the gym. After working out, I get in my Ford Explorer. There is a BMW rich man’s car parked next to me. It is half parked next to my spot and half in the spot behind him. So, when I pull out and turn right, I cut it too close and clip his front bumper!
Not a scratch on the Explorer, of course, but there is a small dent in the front panel of the Beemer. I leave a note on his car.
“People are watching me write this and they think I am leaving you my personal information. But, actually I am writing to say that’s what you get for taking up two spots for your fancy car.”
Only kidding. I tell the owner to go visit the front desk.
So, it’s back to the gym, giving the guy at the front desk all my information. There is actually a prewritten form for just this situation. What did I learn? Two things.
- My driving skills are suspect when I can get in an accident from a dead stop in a parking lot.
- When you are driving an 80/ 90K car, your front bumper getting dinged costs more than 10K to fix. I know, because I saw our insurance premiums go up after that. Now it’s been two years, so I think we are back to normal.
The second memorable thing for the boys about their 18th birthday, is when I greeted Greg with a punch in the sternum. He looks at me with his “what the heck” stare. I say one word.
“Misdemeanor.”
As in, “You have just turned 18 and now if I hit you it will no longer be felony child abuse, but only a misdemeanor.”
We laugh about this, but I really don’t hit my kids. Really. Do not take this as evidence that I strike the boys. Actually, they used to hit me once in a while. Parental abuse. But, it was only in the arm because they are playing that stupid “Slug Bug” game. You know where you punch someone in the arm when you see a Volkswagen Beetle. “Slug Bug yellow!”
We don’t play this anymore because when I stopped participating, I was getting hit all the time. That’s a perfect game for sons to play with their father. They get to hit you, knowing you won’t hit them back. I guess it’s a good substitute for patricide, but I don’t want any part of it. It’s time to stop.
Instead of hitting them myself to make them stop, I give them my “mean dad” Bruce Willis-scowl. This proves sufficient. No more “Slug Bug” as far as I am concerned. But, there might come a day when I resurrect the game, if only once. I’ll scream, “Slug Bug blue!” and haul off and coldcock one of them.
That’ll teach ‘em…
(Now, really, you know I am not going to do this, right? I don't hit the boys nor advocate this kind of violent behavior.)
Time: The Critical Investment Every Father Needs to Make: #4-Toddlers: Part 3 Too much Adult?
What is your biggest dream for your son?
For most of human history, the future of sons was usually connected to their fathers. At around age 12, a boy began to apprentice in a trade with his father. If dad was a farmer, the son was a farmer. Dad is a carpenter, the son is a carpenter. You get the picture.
The biggest dream of any father was that his son would take his work to the next level. Farm more land or get a greater return on the crops. Expand the family business.
There were always exceptions to this practice of sons apprenticing with their fathers, but most often dads simply dreamed of their sons being a bigger and better version of themselves. Not so anymore.
With the industrial revolution, work becomes more than farming and trade. Factory work, and the entire infrastructure to make manufacturing possible, is not a place for apprentices. Sons certainly could follow their dads doing the same work, but not working alongside from the beginning.
Dads begin to have other dreams for their sons. In fact, a common dream for fathers becomes one of hoping their sons don’t follow in their footsteps, but make more out of their lives than what they did. This is often the case today. Sons are encouraged to do better in school, including making sure to go to college, or the “right” college.
Another twist to the “son doing better than dad” story is in leisure activities. Fathers work with their sons from toddler on in some sport or some hobby that dad was involved in, or wishes he had been involved in. Go to any park in America on any Saturday (or more recently, Sunday, and weekday nights for practice) and see this firsthand. Sports, from four/five year olds on, has become an American phenomenon.
This becomes the classic scenario of dad working with his 3-year-old son to hit that golf ball, throw that baseball, kick that soccer ball, “better” than the other 3-year-old. Of course, there is always a price to pay.
Living under constant supervision by adults is not the same as apprenticeship. Sons aren’t learning alongside their dads, as much as being observed and subconsciously graded by their dads as to how advanced they are compared to other sons their age. And creativity and imagination don’t function well when your childhood time is constantly spent under the supervision of adults. Even “creative” playtime is often overseen and structured by adults! Obviously the advent of the preschool movement becomes an influencing factor in all of this for younger children.
Also, consider the whole concept of leadership development. It’s difficult for sons to lead anything when dads are in charge of the activity. It is a challenge to see any son naturally rise to leadership when every step of the way adults are stressing concepts like “fairness” and “everybody gets their turn.”
While these are certainly admirable rules to live by, the way they are interpreted, again, by adults, makes it difficult for kids to practice leadership. Interesting, at the same time, there is often talk of a leadership vacuum in our younger generations. Well, where would anyone learn leadership in today’s adult- controlling environment?
Now, in all of this, who doesn’t instinctually know there is room for change here? Who doesn’t say or think at one time of another, “It’s hard for kids to just be kids anymore”? Quickly though, even this sentiment will disappear as children raised in this environment are now raising their own children in this environment. I’m afraid we will not know a time when the world of adult supervision was not the norm.
Time: The Critical Investment Every Father Needs to Make: #4-Toddlers: Part 2 Your Son as Neighbor
Number Two:
The Bible says, "Love your neighbor as yourself." This does not mean, "Try to change your neighbor into you." Yes, you want others to imitate you as you imitate Christ, but that doesn't mean being you. With our sons this is a huge temptation.
The greatest resource on relationships I know is the New Testament of the Bible. Especially the teachings of how the followers of Jesus are to treat each other. There isn't much specific father/son relationship teaching, but there is plenty about how to get along in community. How you treat your "neighbor." The model of how Jesus lives is key in all of this. What would it mean to treat our sons the way Jesus would treat our sons if he were us?
The Bible teaches that our natural human desire is to be at the center of our own universe where high levels of control and manipulation take place. Using aggression or withdrawing our love and acceptance are the normal ways we deal with conflict/disagreement. This attack or withdrawal becomes the model our sons will see us use, especially with our wives, or they will experience our attack or withdrawal directly.
The Bible speaks of another way. When the Holy Spirit dwells in us as he did in Jesus, we have access to the same "fuel for living" that Jesus possessed: Grace. The pure love of God the Father.
With this supernatural power available, we begin to model the way Jesus lived in community. Tons of graciousness, unusual amounts of patience, and wide boundaries of acceptance, become the norm for us. On a practical level, what does this look like? Some examples.
Example: Apologizing and admitting we were wrong.
Dad: "I'm sorry. I was wrong."
Example: At age appropriate times, showing some of our own vulnerability.
Dad: "I was (am) scared, too, sometime. Then I thought (think) about God's angels protecting me and I was (am) O.K."
Example: You don't have to know everything.
Dad: "I don't know. Why don't you ask mom?" (This is supernatural influence we are talking here, isn't it?)
Sermon for 9/11- podcast
We are studying Acts 7, and the stoning of Stephen. Only the true God can fuel a “no revenge” clause in our covenant together.
Time: The Critical Investment Every Father Needs to Make- #3 Infancy
a little too much time investment!
The relationship between a dad and his son is the original, “old school” male bonding experience. This is a very simple truth that is often overlooked. Having an active father in a baby’s life provides a strong environment for healthy growth in all arenas. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, however you look at it, when dads are there, it is like fertilizer for a healthy life. There is no in vitro substitute for the influence a father brings.
This is not just about a dad and his son; it is about mom, too! It may “take a village to raise a child,” but the village begins with having your husband by your side, and covering your back. When I hear someone say, “Children don’t need a father in their lives,” I know this statement is not coming from a dad or from a mom who has raised kids with a dad.
If this simply means “It is possible to raise children without a father,” then, obviously this is true. The same goes for a mom. From a possibility perspective, “Children don’t need a mother in their lives,” is equally true. We just never hear this.
Practically, sharing in the tasks of raising an infant brings husbands and wives closer together. It isn’t healthy to project all our needs for encouragement, joy and affirmation onto one person. Human relationships flourish as we join together with others for a common purpose. We can share work, share interests and hobbies, raise pets, and such, yet raising a child becomes the most primal, instinctual place for growth. Our capacity as men and women expands as we raise children together.
Now, dads, this doesn’t mean you have to get all weird on me. I don’t want to see any breast feeding apparatus like Robert De Niro, as Jack Byrnes, in Meet the Fockers(2004)! Yet, sharing in those basic infant care tasks has a ton of psychological and emotional influence, for you and your son. Here are some examples:
Holding your son closely and watching him drink from his bottle is about as close as you will ever get to seeing pure peace.
Sharing in soothing your son during nighttime fussing is not just for the sake of relieving your wife’s sleep deprivation; your son is learning that you are there to bring security into his life, as well.
Changing diapers may have been a bit too much for some of our fathers to handle, but we step up. Because it is the politically correct thing to do? No, because we learn so much in this simple action. We learn that if we can take crap from our sons at an early age, we can take crap from them later! One of those lessons in “unconditional love,” let’s just say. O, and remember to have another diaper handy to throw over him just in case…
Taking a nap with your son lying on your chest is a great excuse to get some rest, and your son can get used to the rhythm of your heart, as he has his mom’s for so much time in the womb. An added bonus is, while you are snoring because you are sleeping on your back, she won’t poke you. Instead, she’s thinking, “Isn’t that precious…” Saw away, boys!
Now is the time to sing, pray, and give blessing to your son each night. Faith is not a “woman’s thing.” A habit formed from the beginning like this will have huge dividends as he grows older. Both for him and for you (I will spend a whole chapter on the topic of spiritually nurturing your son).
Yes, spending lots of time with your infant son is as much about you bonding with him as it is he bonding with you. I can’t help but think of those old film clips I saw when studying Psychology, of ethologist (study of animal behavior), Konrad Lorenz, walking with geese following him. He is showing an example of “Imprinting” (“in which a young animal acquires several of its behavioral characteristics from its parent.”)
Your son is not a goose, he isn’t your clone, but as a dad, you have to realize how the time investment you make from day one will significantly increase the effectiveness of your influence in the coming years. Your journey has just begun. Honk! Honk!
Time: The Critical Investment Every Father Needs to Make #2: The Myth of Quality Time
Time: The Critical Investment Every Father Needs to Make #1: Know Your Past
“Man, that hurts! But it’s so good…”
If you consider the food patterns of American culture, pizza is a “hot” commodity. According to a recent Gallup poll, pizza is preferred over all other food for lunch and dinner, in children ages 3-11. I know that was the case for our family growing up.
Pizza was not something we would eat frequently. Maybe that’s why I can still taste the pizza from Dino’s or Derango’s as I am writing these words. A distinct fennel flavor is slowing creeping into my memory bank. Yet, where there is pleasure, there is always the chance for pain to show up. With pizza this was certainly the case. Allow me to explain.
We were in the funeral business. In the funeral business you work days and nights. You have funerals, the logistics of getting ready for funerals (embalming, funeral preparations, pick-ups, dropping off obituaries at the local news room, etc.) and making arrangements with families during the day. At night you might meet with families and make arrangements, as well, if they can’t come in during the day. Also at night, you would have visitations (wakes/ showings).
Dad would frequently work both day and night. If he was working nights, this meant if he got to chance to come home at all, it would be for a quick bite to eat that you could call a “family meal.” A more accurate description would be, “family feeding.” Like throwing fish food into a tank of gold fish, when the food hit the table the frenzy would begin.
The Hanson’s were fast eaters. “Speed-eaters.” “Hash and dash.” Usually there were four boys and dad sitting around the table, and mom in the kitchen. She brings out whatever casserole or meat and potatoes combo we would share that evening, a quick prayer, and then, “Boom!” Eat away.
It is during these quick meals we were most likely to get pizza. As a treat, and as a break for our mom (I’m naturally assuming that is why my dad did it), dad would bring pizza home, hot and ready to be eaten. The four guppies would already be gathered around the table, plates ready, dad would set the pizza’s down and then, just like other meals, it was start eating as fast as you can.
Only this time, with pizza, there is a strategy. There are only a limited amount of pieces to go around. We never had leftovers. So, when dad would bring home pizza, we really had to be on our game. And yes, with the pleasure, comes pain.
You know what it is like to eat piping hot pizza? Where it seems like the whole roof of your mouth is burned and shredded? Well, there is only a limited food supply, so you eat through the pain! No matter, how much you blow on the cheese and sausage, there is going to be a reckoning.
“Ouch!”
“Mmmmm…”
Every last piece eaten, and dad is out the door. Can’t stop. Can’t talk. Gotta get back work. A burnt mouth becomes a throbbing metaphor of this part my family life. Just know, you are not going to see much of dad.
As my dad worked for his dad, it isn’t a shock that he was gone a lot. Long hours and keeping a tough schedule is just what sons do when they work for their fathers, right? Gotta earn those stripes working the family business. Yet, long hours in general just seemed to be the way things were for our generation of kids. As many of us who were raised in the “Baby Boomer” generation can attest, we didn’t spend lots of time with our dads.
Historically, you can see why sons spending time with their fathers declined. In almost all cultures, from the beginning of humanity until the beginning of the 20th century, most sons would follow their fathers in their livelihood. Interesting that surnames even indicated what your future is going to hold.
“Bill Carpenter.” “John Smith.” “Tom Undertaker?” Well, there are always exceptions!
So, this was the way of the world. Whether it was agriculture or a trade, most sons would apprentice with their fathers. This wasn’t only about life; it was about being a man. Imitation is as important a learning tool as information. Not just learning how to do work, but also learning how to do life.
This practice of sons spending years “apprenticing” with their fathers still continues in many cultures, yet in the world of the “Industrial Age” and following, the time spent by sons with their dads declines.
Interesting that we don’t hear much about this shift in the way life was lived when it comes to fathers and sons. Fathers are the primary model for life ( for good or bad) since the beginning of humanity, and then suddenly (at least in historical time), poof!
Where’s dad? He’s at work!
Did you spend much time with your dad growing up? If you did, what do you remember? If you didn’t what do you remember?
(Please note: I just learned of a remedy for a burnt roof of the mouth. Use sugar. Just pour a bit on the painful area and dissolve it in. It works!)
Another Lesson from Prison- podcast
God sends His people into His world and the distinction between "clergy" and "lay" people fades away. No shackles on the Holy Spirit please! Reflecting on my most recent Epiphany Prison spiritual retreat and how it connects with Acts 6.
