The healing of our circle of relationships is connection to God. God is a healthy community in God’s self. We know God as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The Trinity is the model of healthy, loving, social relationships.

Within the Trinity, there is no attempt to control or seek one’s own way. Dallas says there is no subordination within the Trinitarian community because “Father, Son and Holy Spirit won’t stand for it.” The Trinity shows us we are created live in community. “Created in God’s image” (Genesis 1:26-27) we are at our best when we join God in this community of love.

We can be free from the positioning and intrigue of making a place for ourselves in our relationships. The legend of King Arthur and his Round Table is a good illustration of this. The story goes Arthur wanted his knights to consider themselves as no better than the other. He as King saw himself in this same light. In order to symbolize this community of deferring to the other, he had a round table built for them so there would never be anyone at the head of the table when they came together.

The key to living transformed lives in community with others is not a mystery. The difficulty is not in the understanding, but in the follow through. If we wish to have a life filled with richness in our relationships, rather than hurt and betrayal, there is only one way to live.

Philip. 2:3-5 (NLT)
“Don’t be selfish; don’t live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself. Don’t think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing. Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had.”

As we are transformed by God to become the kind of people God can work through, we take on the mind of Christ. We begin to think as he thinks. Our actions, then, reflect his influence. We live in our circle of relationships as Jesus lives in the circle of the Trinity. We bring Jesus with us to our own Round Table because he is in us and we are in him.
1 John 4:15-16 (NLT)

“All who proclaim that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in him. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them.”

How have you viewed the Trinity and how does seeing God living in relationship help?

There are two actions that wreck social relationships more than any other. Attack and withdrawal.

Attack

To verbally and/or physically be aggressive toward someone with the intent of using this as a means to get our own way or to at least punish them.

Withdrawal

To ignore someone; act as if we don’t care at all; moving all the way to holding them in contempt, as if they don’t even exist in our mind at all. Another means to try to control or punish.

We use attack and withdrawal so much we think they are are as normal as breathing and we couldn’t think of life without them. Actually, we will not have a transformed life with them.

If we are to live in our circle of life with actions for the good, we need to eliminate attack and withdrawal. If we desire to expand our circle we need to get rid of attack and withdrawal from our own lives. Let’s be clear on what is at stake.

Attack is when we act against the good of other people. We are doing what we can to make sure they don’t prosper for the moment, or longer. Attack may be launched for the right reasons, as in the case of trying to correct unhealthy behavior in someone else, but it is the wrong method. Screaming at your children because they aren’t doing their homework comes to mind.

Attack is certainly addressed by God in the Bible. The ten commandments, from “Honor your father and mother” on, are about our relationships and they all address attack in some way.

Withdrawal is working for the same reason, against the good of someone else, but with a different method. We ignore someone, regarding their good as unimportant, even to the point of despising them. We treat them as persona non grata.

Current examples:

Attack- Watch congress on CSPAN for 2 minutes.

Withdrawal- Watch the relationship between teenagers and their parents on just about any TV show or in any movie.

Do you tend to use attack or withdrawal in your relationships?

Unbutu- “A person is a person through other persons.”
-Bishop Desmond Tutu

Unbutu is a Swahili word that draws our attention to the fact that we are dependent on each other. In Renovation of the Heart (Student Edition), the concept of a circle is used to illustrate this.

Who is in your circle? Draw a big circle and place in it the names of the people in your life. This circle tells you something about your social relationships. Are there many people or few? If there are many, who are you in close relationship with? Many psychologists think you can really be in a close, intimate relationship with very few people, perhaps only one other. Do you have any of these “soul mates” in your circle? If there are only a few people in your circle to begin with, is this because you are kind of a private person, or do you withdraw from others? There are a lot of things to consider, aren’t there?

When we look at our circle, realize God desires good to come out of it. As we are connected in healthy ways, this will happen. The challenge is, of course, we are all sinners. So far in this book, we have seen how broken we really are. “Broken” is not even a strong enough word. Our circles are headed toward “ruin.” What is the process for healing?

In order for our circles to be life giving, we need to be connected to each other in healthy ways. This is no easy connection. If we follow our own human nature, we continue to repel each other in our circles. We are the only occupant who really counts. Self-worship within the circle of our lives brings about two actions that we use to destroy our relationships. Attack and withdrawal.

Start praying for people in your circle.

The transformation up to this point has been about you and me, personally. Heart, mind, and body.

Heart- our will; the choices we make
Mind- thoughts and feelings
Body- our physical presence through which we live out our lives

But…

“It is not good that the man should be alone…” (Genesis 2:18)

Like the T-Mobile commercial says, “Life’s for Sharing.”

We are created in community. It is how we are wired. God intends for us to be in relationship with him and other people. The idea that we are to “go it alone,” or “stick to ourselves” is not a biblical concept. The Bible is filled with descriptions of living in community.

We are created to live with other people. Here lies a huge challenge. I am a sinful person and it is absolutely necessary that I am in relationship with others, who are sinful people. It doesn’t take too long for us to realize this is going to be messy.

Adam and Eve start arguing right away. “What did God say?” Then, when they sin by doing what God forbids, Adam blames Eve. When the children are born it doesn’t get any easier. Eventually Cain kills his brother Abel.

And so it goes.

Living with others is absolutely essential for our spiritual, physical, and emotional well being.

Living with others can be absolutely harmful to our spiritual, physical, and emotional well being.

We can’t live in healthy community with each other unless Jesus is on the throne of our lives. Without Jesus,my self-worship and your self-worship are always going to result in disconnect at some point.

What’s the answer? There is another way. God’s way.

Dream of what your friendships would be like if you lived with Jesus on the throne.

Properly honor and care for your body

My body is from God, and since he sent Jesus to set me free from sin and death, my body is not mine. It is claimed by Jesus and he uses it here and now.

Practice the Sabbath

Disciples discover it is a good thing to stop and reflect on what God is doing. Celebrate how good God is. You can do this daily, weekly, and yearly.

Take silence and solitude time each day to break from whatever is going on around you. Once a week, spend a day in reflection of God and enjoy him through those around you. For many, Sunday is this time of connecting to God, family, and friends. Once a year spend several days away from the “rat race,” not to cram in as many activities as possible on a vacation, but to just do “nothing.” There is more to rest than sleep. God rested (Genesis 2:2). Jesus rested (Matthew 14:13). We can rest.

Dedicate the proper care of your body to Jesus

When you diet, exercise, and get enough sleep, your physical health improves. It is good for your emotional well being. It is good for your soul. When you do these things with Jesus in mind, he can choose to be part of the process. You are inviting him to be a partner. Use Vision/Intention/Means with your dieting, exercise and sleep. This can be very helpful without getting obsessive.

What is one thing you can add to your life for the good of your body?

Romans 12:1 (NLT)
And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will accept. When you think of what he has done for you, is this too much to ask?

You have to be absolutely clear why you owe your body life to God. I am afraid that when Paul asks the question, “Is this too much to ask?” most of us are saying, “Yes it is.” Do you really understand that God is in charge of your desires and your pleasures? Then release them to him.

One way you can accomplish this, with the partnership of the Holy Spirit, is to join God in an experiment. What is a body sin that is ruining you? Is it anger, gossip, pornography, unhealthy eating? Whatever it is, don’t do it for one day.

It will look something like this. Get up in the morning. Realize how good God is and thank him for this. Tell God, “I dedicate this day to you.”  Think specifically what is the one body sin you want to get rid of. Give this to Jesus for the day. Make a commitment to him.

For example, “Jesus, today I will not gossip.” This means your texting, Facebook posts, Tweets, or conversations may be a little boring. It doesn’t matter. You are following old advice. “Unless you have something nice to say about someone, don’t say anything at all.” Quaint, but effective.

When you are tempted to gossip, you will think of Jesus instead. You can’t imagine him going,

“Hey John, did you hear Peter last night? ‘Lord, I will never leave you.’ What a loser. That Peter is so full of himself!”

Think of there being a reporter following you everywhere you go this day. Taping your every word. Now realize this is exactly what is happening. The reporter is Jesus and he is right next to you. Now.

Really.

One day.

Try it out.

Then go to bed.

Wake up and start over.

Is there a bad habit you want to break? Go for it!

Here is a couple of “Don’ts” and a couple of “Do’s.”

Don’t:

Idolize your body

Here is where I draw such a fine line. On the one hand, having a healthy body is very helpful in giving me energy, focus, and longevity in serving God and others. On the other hand, if I get too obsessive about my body, which includes my health, I may be too anxious about death and aging and how my body may fail me. This anxiety stifles my reliance on Jesus for security.

Do you see the distinction? I am free to give my body over to Jesus, care for it through the wisdom I receive from him, and at the same time know that I will receive a new glorified body some day and will live with him forever.

1 Cor. 15:43 (NLT)

Our bodies now disappoint us, but when they are raised, they will be full of glory. They are weak now, but when they are raised, they will be full of power.

I’m getting pumped already!

Misuse your body

First, let’s all relax. Sometimes Christians get too choosy about this topic. Everyone seems to go to 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 to chastise someone else about something physical. It is not even used in the right context most of the time, which is that of a client of a prostitute.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NLT)

Or don’t you know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, [20] for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.

“Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit” has been used for everything from drinking coffee (though health benefits of moderate coffee drinking have been established here, for instance), smoking (OK, not helpful) and drinking alcoholic beverages (red wine is all the rage for heart health; moderation is the key…).

It’s interesting that people don’t usually use this same Bible passage for exercise and proper diet. The classic case is a preacher talking about the “temple of the Holy Spirit,” criticizing drinking or smoking when, as has been said, “their own temple has a big front porch addition.” The gut hanging over the belt is an occupational hazard for many clergy.

It is important for us to have a healthy diet and exercise. It is important for us to get enough rest. It is a national past time for us to be overworked, overweight and undernourished. Transforming our bodies includes all of this.

The other ways we can misuse our bodies I have already addressed. Trying to be sexually alluring, “power” dressing, body language, verbal manipulation, and such. We are to give ourselves over the Jesus, as we are now his body.

Why are we always so interested in the personal habits of others?

God desires what is best for our bodies. We can have the body of Jesus. This doesn’t mean that we all grow beards. That’s a relief for you women out there. To be changed into the likeness of Jesus means our bodies become devoted to serving God and doing what he wants done. We are created to do just this. Our health and happiness are centered on giving our bodies over to God.
Intention is so critical at this point because our bodies are so demanding. So much of what gets in our way becomes an addiction. Addictions of all kinds are our bodies talking, saying they won’t have it any other way.

“What’s so bad about it? Lots of people do it.”

“I need this _________. I can’t live without it.”

“I can’t stop.”

Jesus knows we are going to have a challenge transforming our bodies more than anything. He said,

Matthew 26:41 (NLT)
Keep alert and pray. Otherwise temptation will overpower you. For though the spirit (our choices) is willing enough, the body is weak!”

God offers another way. We can’t will ourselves to “just say no.” We have to place ourselves before the author and giver of life and work with him changing into our best, true selves.

What are you tempted by that is not healthy?

How Jesus Affects My Relationship With You

The vision to transform my body rests on a spiritually-focused life. Here are characteristics of this life.

Your Body, Your Choice

I don’t force my ways on you. Following Jesus’ way, as I am in relationship with you, I will pursue his ways. I will not try to use any forceful methods of persuasion to get you to see his ways. I will not try to gain advantage over you. Like Jesus, I honor your capability to make your own choices without trying to manipulate you or aggressively applying pressure to make you change those choices.

Christ’s Choice vs. Your Choice

I will be in relationship with you, but I will also pursue the ways of Jesus. As I am experiencing Christ’s guidance and power in keeping my commitments to him, he is making it possible for me to refuse to follow any other road. It becomes easier to do the right thing.

In my relationship with you, if you choose a path not consistent with that of Jesus, I will respectfully decline to participate. I will do so in a gentle, non-judgmental manner, but the path I choose will be clear.

I realize this may seem strange. In the past, my decisions would be about following my own desires. It is not the past, however. In the present and future, I am committed to following Jesus’ desires. I will not try to force this on you, and neither will I back away from what he is doing in my life.

Peace

Loving God and others is my primary purpose in life. With Jesus on the throne of my life I can live this way. I am not trying to establish my kingdom but work in his. What does this look like?

Superstar athletes learn how focus so intently, they screen out everything that brings the possibility of negative thinking. Tiger Woods is an example of this. I spoke with a friend who has the opportunity to play with many pro golfers and he said the thing that sets Tiger apart from everyone else is his incredible intensity of the current situation. He lives directly in the moment and always looks for something positive to tune in on before his next shot.

When he hits it in the trees? No problem. There is that one opening there between those two big branches that make a target for the green. It is a perfect visual. If you are a golfer, you get the picture. Non-golfers, it just means the guy absolutely expects good things to happen (private life not withstanding…)

This is how my faith life can look like. No matter what is happening around me, my body and my body language are at peace. I can respond to any situation with the Bible’s tools of positive emotion. My body responds with love, joy, peace, faithfulness, gentleness, kindness, and self-control. This is the energy I feed off of in my relationships with others. Also, this creates an environment around me that reduces anxiety in others.

Win/ Win

When Jesus is on the throne, I am honoring and respectful of others even if they are not following a godly life. I offer myself to God and so I can be completely open to you. I can practice true tolerance.

Tolerance is not approving of everything you do. The definition of tolerance is this: I am respectful and courteous to you and I disagree with you. You cannot be tolerant of people you agree with. My body is living in line with Jesus and so I am relating to you through him. I am his to use as he pleases. I am available.

This kind of life is made possible through Jesus’ sacrifice for me. As he gave his life for me, my life is totally his forever. I am the last person on earth who could ever say, “It’s my body, and I will do with it what I please.”

Now, how do I actually gain this spiritually focused life? Next, intention and means to transform my body.

Why do you think Jesus talked so much about not being afraid and not worrying?

Your Body, My Choice

I am on the throne of my own kingdom, but that is not enough. I need to be on the throne of your life, as well. So I go into a body mode in my relationship with you.

Tongue

“Verbal manipulation” is where I use word games with you to try to gain advantage over you. It is a sign that our human creativity and imagination are not always a gift for the good.

“Politically-correct” language is an example of this trait gone rampant. It is the language of the modern religion of self- worship. This is always shifting the playing field to suit my purposes; always keeping you off balance. Other tried and true methods are whining, flattery, and repetitive requests.

“Verbal attack” comes into play here, as well. I don’t have the time or the interest to use principled reason, so a good bitter, sarcastic, seething tongue-lashing substitutes for clear thinking.

Body Language

Here is another tool at my disposal to influence your “kingdom.” I become the master of the frown, scowl, rolled eyes, crossed arms, and chin-in-the chest. I am the man of a thousand looks.

Related are the sounds of body language. The “tsk, tsk’s,” deep sighs, and “harumph” breaths are learned early, along with language itself. Just witness a young child practice these as if he/she were working on a black belt in sound attack.

My Choice vs. Your Choice

Remember, in all of these attempts to be the master of my own universe, you are working the same program that I am. Here is where we enter into inevitable conflict. I can’t be on my throne if I have to deal with you trying to remain on yours, as well. Something has to give.

War

Here is where we cross swords. All of the unholy tools I have previously mentioned may come into use. I will gain the advantage at all cost. After a while, it may not be getting my own way I am after, it may be just as important to me that you don’t get yours. This is as old as the story of Cain and Abel (Genesis 4). If Cain is not receiving his father’s blessing, well then, as a dead man, neither will Abel.

Win the Battle; Lose the War

Nothing good comes from this conflict of self-worship in one person battling self-worship in another person. If the other person gives in or simply quits, your satisfaction will be short-lived. The devastating effects may be permanent. We generally don’t engage in these battles with strangers. We match up against those we love; those with whom we can least afford to have fractured relations. Our stupidity in our interpersonal lives is often labeled, “self-destructive,” and indeed this is an accurate observation.

A confession: After writing on these characteristics of a body- focused life rather than a spiritually-focused life, I saw myself in some of this more than I would care to admit.

How about you?